Shame of Chronic Illness and Pain

What is shame?

Guilt and shame are often confused but represent different emotions. Guilt arises when a person believes they have done something wrong and feel the need to amend their behavior. Shame, however, suggests a deeper self-judgment, where a person feels flawed or bad due to their actions or inactions. This emotion frequently surfaces when some perceive that their social bonds might be at risk.

Shame and chronic illness or pain

Chronic illness affects individuals regardless of their character. Unfortunately, those living with chronic health conditions frequently encounter shame, which may persist throughout their illness.

Society tends to believe that people with chronic illnesses should have control over their condition. There are typically expectations for these individuals to avoid illness altogether or to strive tirelessly for a cure. These attitudes contribute to feelings of shame.

Chronic health conditions can also lead to physical, emotional, behavioral, or mental changes, which may evoke shame, especially when they are unwanted. These differences can make individuals vulnerable to bullying, harassment, or even well-intended but misguided comments.

Additionally, the need to rely on others for support plays a role in shame. Many are taught that self-sufficiency is a virtue, which can cause shame for those who must depend on others for their well-being.

Tips for dealing with shame from chronic illness or pain

Combating the shame associated with chronic illness is crucial for emotional well-being and can help reduce symptoms of depression. Tips for dealing with shame from chronic illness or pain include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Identify shame. Recognize how shame manifests physically and emotionally. Being aware of these signs can help a person identify and address shame when it arises.
• Understand triggers. Look for patterns and themes, such as a fear of being unworthy of acceptance or love. Understanding these triggers can help with addressing them more effectively.
• Communicate. Discuss feelings with close friends and loved ones. Expressing fears of being unlovable can help determine who truly cares and who does not. Those who respond negatively may not be genuine friends.
• Reframe self-image. Work on transforming self-image by reframing shame-related thoughts. For example, rather than “I’m so stupid for not being able to go to college,” consider the thought, “I wish I had the chance to go to college.” Recognize the difference between grief and shame, and use this understanding to guide self-reflections.

Additional source: Psychology Today